What are your resistances? Where are your dark places?

oh those demons!
lurking in the shadows of my mind.
the ones i invited in when i was in pain
and when i was suffering the most horrible of abuses
those demons feed off fear
the more you feed them, the stronger they get…

and you know what? they aren't evil, those little dark spirits.
we perceive them to be bad
because they come with experiences we do not like
when other people hurt us
abuse us in any way at all.
those times when we feel most afraid.

these little dark spirits
they repulse us, they look so utterly disgusting
twisted and malformed
but we can move beyond that ugly appearance
and hear the beautiful music they play for us
if we stop fighting them, stop feeding them fear
and accept them as part of the experience
not something inherently bad or evil
because bad is simply a judgment we make about things
and evil does not really exist.

once we do that, once we move beyond the fear
we realize those demons can't hurt us anymore

this can be so fruitful. thank you! i resist all kinds of things, mostly if i think they will bring me pain or suffering. i am learning bit by bit to throw myself into the sea of love and let it carry me where it will, but sometimes when i wash back on the shore bruised and fragile, i am reluctant to dive in again right away…  

“We have been so conditioned not to look at what makes us feel uncomfortable.  We can, however, meet all experiences eye-to-eye and with so much less fear and sometimes without fear.  Seems to me that the quicker we look at this stuff, and walk with it, and quit pushing it down, then we do better.”

The quicker we look at it & allow it to be … the deeper we can discover its beauty and embrace it.   Fear not…  For when the monsters can dance, they dont look so monstrous any longer.  They become silly & fun :)

Thank you .. seriously .. its been a real joy reading the recent posts here.  its all been classy and of the most glorious of tastes… and i am that much richer for having experienced whats occurred :)

When I saw this early, I though OH yes, then oh NO! It is beautiful, juicy, creamy, rich, and healing to delve. I choose not to, right now.

I have so much to do and to CREATE the next few days that I need to return to the other blog and sup the juice to have some energy.

My Resistance and Shadow come up in my face regulary, and when they do, I'll remember to come here, if there is medicine for me in that.

Meanwhile, I am off the Juice Bar!

if i may take this in a different direction (apologies, John, but i'm gonna do it anyway)…

i have another question to add to those you asked.

what are you hiding?

because this blog (and the qar on openness) made me think about those things i hide from people.  there are some things i hide from most people, but share with those closest to me.  there is one thing i hide from everyone…  the biggest, baddest monster in my closet.

and it's kinda funny, because this monster has nothing to do with any sort of trauma nor abuse i've suffered.  it has nothing to do with the health problems i always used to have, nor the accompanying pain.  it has nothing to do with those bruises all over my body when i was very small.  it has nothing to do with alcohol nor drug abuse.  this monster is the last demon i have yet to face.  the others were easy, compared to this one.  what am i so afraid of that i keep this secret from the whole world?  what could it possibly be?

I'll never tell……

co-creators we are - we are so powerful that if we say to ourselves i will never get over something then we won't be able to but if we change the words that we tell ourselves it becomes a possibility. My only fear at this point is going back to sleep and forgetting what i have learned.  That love, hate, fear, regret all come from within – // yes people can bring it out of us but only because we allow it. 

Elisa, ask the thing you are hiding. It knows all about it.

What would telling change?

What would LIGHT change?

Is it necessary to change, or tell?

What is the value of a secret, even a dark one?

haha Carla, i'm not Elisa.  and I already know all about it.  i don't have to ask.  those are rhetorical questions, intended to get you to ask the same of yourself.  ;-)

John, 
 Thank you for blogging this… as juicy as the other blog was and the path it began to go one of my fears arrived, and I use the my school work as an excuse, even though I have a paper due next monday… and weekly work… My fear, is swimming out there with the big kids, in the pool of intelligent conversation, which I was awash in but could not effectively find my place to add my point of view… So my shadow is trust, do they like me, can they understand me, is anyone reading my blog? Should I care?
Yet I face shadows often. I walk into shops and tell them I a photographer, and I am, and then I ask them if they would allow me to hang my work? and they usually say yes! 
So there one of my mask are off or maybe even two..

My worst “demons” are probably of the “too bright light” variety.
blessing and a wonderful week, John,
CG

hi CG!!  long time.  i missed you…  we gotta be friends again, no?
you got it.  my worst “demon” isn't one of the little dark spirits at all.
i'm so glad i didn't have to spell it out.  thanks!!!!!

Thanx for this blog too, John….

I'm afraid of failure and rejection and pain and, sometimes, of intimacy…..but I face the things I am afraid of because I am as courageous as anybody I know….I have Schwartzneggarian courage-muscles hard-earned in the Risk Gym at the School Of Hard Knocks.

I am frightened by the exposure I have given myself in these last three days…and I will not shut down to it….because it's gotten me thinking about the relationship between  the expression of passion and the capacity to inspire others….and I'd rather sit with my fears in order to work that one through than bury my head in conformist platitudes to make life easy for all and sundry.

Love, Jon x

i have to say this before reading the comments before I forget it. It is a quote but I can't remember who said it. There is no good or bad, but our thinking that makes it so. I probably misquoted and I should at least figure out who said it, so I will be back on that.

jenni, that quote is from Shakespeare's Hamlet. “for there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” :)

I'm intrigued with this conversation, and just still mulling it over a bit, before I post.  I bow to each of you…

My dear John-tleman, I'm very grateful to you for initiating this heart to heart discussion!

My life is so rosy, but I do have a secret that I want to share with you! There are times when I wish I weren't here on planet Earth! There seems to be a part of me that doesn't appreciate my existence in the third dimension. I sometimes suspect that this may be blocking a great deal of abundance from flowing into my life. It is only since joining Ohmsmom's pod, The Gratitude Chain, that I have begun to wake up with love, joy and gratitude in my heart! It is thanks to our dear SHARE-ley, and warmhearted souls such as yourself, that a heartfelt appreciation of life is starting to bloom in this little FLOW-er!
God bless all of you GUY-ans!!!

That is truly my deepest, darkest secret! And, I have chosen to bring it out into the light, ever so gently, here in your sacred chunk of sigh-berspace!

As for my greatest fear, I suppose I fear being judged! This may stem from the fact that I judge myself so harshly! I'm almost too afraid to change my status to 'Rose is … anything less than a rosy disposition!' because I am acutely aware that I have created that particular reality myself! I also don't want to focus on anything that might be lowering my resonance!

Thanks to Osho, I am learning to accept all the parts of myself! When I feel sad, I embrace my sadness wholeheartedly and am extra kind to myself! I try to remember that the world would be a very dull place if it were only one colour! I see my emotions as a rainbow and welcome all the colours that flow through my consciousness with open arms. Oh yes, even feeling blue can be a blue-tiful experience! I find that when I embrace my sadness and nurture myself compassionately, the sadness lifts of its own accord!

So, I agree with Stacy, and lovingly accept whatever emotions may flow in and out of my awareness! Oh Stacy, my friends were so sad when you left Gaia! So Stacy, please
stay … see! ;-)

I invite all of you to have the next dance with me! No, it's not a waltz or a tango! It's my favourite dance: Accep-DANCE!!!

All my love,

your Rosebud-dy :-)

http://jung-girl.gaia.com/blog/2008/7/how_would_you_respond_to_those_who_feel_overwhelmed_by_bad_news

oh, i just want to thank mamsue for who said that quote. That is a relief. i am not sure of this power you speak of. I don't particularly like the feeling of power and maybe for the very reason you say, because of what can be done with it. I am thinking you are speaking of something else when you mention energy arising. 

Yep, yep & more yeps…..

Thank you John for another opportunity to dig into the juice. This may not be as sweet as the nectar on the original blog, but it's just as important in a healthy diet to imbibe all the tastes.

In my darkness I'm afraid to trust other people, and am suspicious of their motivations. What I've come to see is this is often a reflection of where I really don't trust myself to make good judgments or where my own motivations may be suspect. It's hard to face some of these things inside myself.

And still there are those pockets of resistance to dis-identifying with the persona I've created. But the persona is not me! It's merely a network of conditioned responses, a comfort zone I can reside in (or hide in).  I pray for the courage to pry my death grip #9 off these ideas of “Janet,” and for the freedom to be untethered by this conditioning.

john, when did you feel this and how was it new? i am just curious about what you are talking about. I was just sitting  here and i felt and energy in me, maybe what you are talking about. It was in my chest and kind of overcoming me and i was not sure what to do with it. I wanted to run around and yell or jump up and down or do something else with it that i won't mention but I am sitting here still with it. Maybe i will go out  and hit some tennis balls. love, jen
maybe i know what you are talking about after all. but if you could explain a little moreI have trouble trusting others as well. I trust them at first but then I don't after a little while. Maybe i don't trust myself and that is the problem. I project it on to others. maybe I am saying the same thing you are saying there janet when you speak of your own motivations.I think we are all pretty much the same inside with the same fears.

First off, while exposing “your stuff” may feel risky and scary for some of you, I have to tell you that in reading it, my heart becomes tender and leaps into love with each of you, immediately upon reading your words.  Me and MY “stuff” though… THAT'S a different story! 

Philosophically, I see no shame at all in the idea of being in the perfect place on my path, regardless of where that may be.  Realistically, though, I torrrrrtuuuure myself with my faux pas, with very little regard for the opportunities and potential benefits contained within those moments of “divine discontent,” however clear to me they may be, intellectually.  I reconstitute “foolish” words and actions from 35 years to 35 minutes ago, visibly twitch and audibly blurt out partial, defensive sentences…. when I know I'm alone and can get by with it.  Actually, to give myself a fair shake, those moments of “tourettes” have as of current almost disappeared.  Almost.

Something that particularly shames me, flying in the face of all of my (genuine!!!) “be here now, it's all perfect” wisdom, is my sporadic ability (completely based on comfort level) to communicate verbally.  Even as a child, I vacillated between being painfully timid and truly obnoxious… and although the gap on those extremes has narrowed, I still contain both.  I consider myself to be a communicator, and when I'm on my own “turf” I am amiable, charming and witty, via voice.  I delight in the delight that I can inspire in others, and am regularly told in my 3-D life how wonderful and FUNNY I am.  Face to face with my boss at work, though, whom I consider to be ridiculously shallow, inept, fear and control based and all but blind to and unappreciative of or even threatened by my (staggering!) contributions to the company, I… stammer.  Then later of course, I judge myself for not being more assertive, for being such a… weakling.  Basic words puckishly vanish from my grasp.  I long for and admire the suave and comfortable verbal articulation employed by others. I become a meepish idiot, much closer to the stapler guy on “Office Space” than to my authentic, wise self.

I ache for consistent, middle ground.  Balance.

I conversely worry that I am not more “normal,” and celebrate my uniqueness.  Assurances regarding the perceptions of others are lovely on the warm fuzzies level (acceptance and understanding are never anything to sneeze at), but tend to not effect the bottom line… or as my husband Dave would say, “the crux of the biscuit.”  And he doesn't even know you, John!  Although… he asked me at about 3:00 this morning to thank you for forming the “juice” blog. ;o)

Ending with humor.  That's comfortable.

Bowing deeply to you Rose for diving into things that you normally would not…shows such courage and a warrior willing to do what is necessary no matter if its easy or not.
And MamaSue i certainly have that too where I vacilate between balance and the wide swing of the pendulum to both extremes…I suspect thats pretty common in the human in all of us.  Something Ive had to come to accept and honor about myself…although at times it certainly isnt easy.
Its been a wonderful weekend on Gaia from my perspective…while we all havent always agreed on the juicy subjects at hand…one can certainly say that it got things moving…which is half the battle.
Love and respect to all
my unfaltering love to you John/Jon always…
Julia

Oh Juli-aaah, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!!!

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Gar-GAIA-ntuan hug for JEWEL-ia!!!)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

All my love, your Rosebud-dy :-)

ahhhhhhhhh thank Rose for that one of a kind hug!

cosmic mother hugs back to you!  and all my love as well!  :-)

Thank you John for this opportunity and I haven't even thought of blogging this on my own blog but I am putting it here on your own.  I am writing this so that others might be able to come to terms or come to grips with their realities for those who resonate.
My dark places out into the light…,
When I was a little kid I provoked my father to touched me sexually secretly under the blankets.  I was a little kid then and I don't know what I was doing although I kind of know to keep it a secret.  I remembered long time ago my mother asked me why I was kissing (pecking) my father on the cheek over and over.  Childhood innocence.  So did my father molested me?  Even though it is just touching, sure I would say yes, even though I provoked it as a little child.  I did not know any better.  But please do not condemn my father.  I love my father and he passed on now.  My story is not yet over. 
So in my adult years all of a sudden I remembered these incidents.  And then I asked “why” he did this to me (only inside of me).  Inasmuch as I am already an introvert, I became more reclusive.  I was depressed for a long time and I don't know why.  Nothing earth-shattering is happening with me or to me but I am so depressed I could not help it.  One time when I was alone I jumped up and down trying to shake out I don't know what to get out of my body.  I have this heavy feeling in my mind, in my soul.  I was crying out loud and I even cursed god, boy did I talked to him.  I was raised catholic and I am the only one in my family who have investigated other faiths and beliefs.  Of course during the course of my investigations, there were times when I have encountered somethings where I am not welcomed but I just ignore those and just took the ones that works for me.
And then to make things worst my eldest brother, we could not get along because I am gay.  We only see each other on christmas family gathering and he even told me not to go to his house on christmas because he would be ashamed for his friends to know that he have a gay brother.  So there I was walking on the middle of the street on christmas day alone. 
This went on for years, my depression, my dark places. 
No psychiatrist can help me.  No pills for depression can help me.  And I asked, “does my happiness have to come from a bottle?”  I have done what they say forgive those who hurt you and forgive yourself.  I forgave my father and I love him and I have forgiven myself.  Is that enough?  Evidently not because I still feel depression. 
Then one time years later something surfaced in my memory.  I remembered something vaguely.  I kept on entertaining these thoughts.  Then it was crystal clear.  I remembered another molestation memory when I was even much much younger and it was not my father, it was my uncle.  Then everything fell into place.  I remembered sounds, smell, smell, smell, smell.  COL (crying out loud) The reason why I provoked my father is because I remembered that smell (the masculine smell) and I am seeking out the smell and the sensations way before my formative years.  So there it is, the LIGHT, the DARK.  And I have struggled all with this alone.  My family never knew that much.  I have been hospitalized and I did not told them.  So with my eldest brother, one time we were arguing.  And then I just blurted it out to him, “do you know why I am like this?”  It is because of our uncle who molested me when I was a child so why are you putting this weight on me?  Now can you go over to him and asked him what he's done?”  He could not say anything.  He does not know these kind of things.  Some people live in a box and are molded to go into predefined shapes and expectations.  I am not those kind of people.  I am a mystery to myself and I have figured myself out.  I just laugh at my psychiatrist who thinks they can manipulate me to fit into a certain category. 
Molestations occur between girls and boys, men and women, gays and straights.  I was listening to a taped lecture of Carolyn Myss and she said, “excuse me, you do not talk molestation out in the open, that is very personal.”  I was shocked to hear that from her. 
The cemetery where my father was buried can be seen from the freeway and whenever I passed by driving my car I wave and say I love you, I forgive you.  My friends asked who are you waving at?  A friend and an angel who still looks out for me.  COL samme

oh (((((((((Samme))))))))))) that is so horribly hard to live…

Samme,

I am sorry , for what you have been through , I can't say I can relate , although I can say , I have been through stuff.
One day Someone said to me We can only help you if you want to be helped. As yes, there is help out there , and I must stress , find someone who has the compassion for your needs, and wants , and wishes , and goals.I for one disagree that , a Doctor or medication can't help, I believe it has to be so much more than just one person working alone. It has to be people working together for the sake of ones health , and wellbeing.There is hope , and I believein you , just believe in getting healthy .
Another dear friend said you have to give it away before you get it.
Before , I had many dark places I would go , and hide.

Now , I wake up each , and everyday , knowing I am beating the odds , and I define my health , and wellbeing..

Hugs to all,

Loriann

I fear the comfortable and therefore I seek it just to make myself uncomfortable with the circularity of it all.  I eat my tail.  I am so far left I am right.  I hide lest I be judged.  Silly when you think of it since it is impossible not to judge, or to be judged, and still be human.

Great question John.  Thanks.

Hmm what do I hide from?  Thats sure a loaded question.  But to be brutally honest, there have been times where my Passion has scared the hell out of me!  It was so strong I didn't think I could contain it.  But then the other side of that 'coin' is why should I?  But then passion and Sex are both things that can envelop us, nurture and sustain us, and, also, totally consume and destroy us.  When we lose the focus of Love with the Passion then its just sex!  Sex is fun and necessary, but sex without Passion, Compassion and Love is just mechanical.  Been there, done that, had them!  Next!  But when you are with someone you deeply care for and about and you share your Passion then WOWIE WOW WOW!  But the dark side of sex, with no respect for self, for others, for anything.  That scares me!  And it is all too common out in the big wide world.

Samme,

I am in awe of the courage you have shown by sharing your story.  I don't think I have any words of advice that you haven't already encountered in your lifetime however I will share my story. 

When my brother and I were children my dad (who turned out to be my step dad, found out many years later) would try to play inappropriate games with us.  He would think it was funny to see me get annoyed and flustered when he would tell me to touch my brother in places I shouldn't.  I know i am an old soul and I KNOW that is what got me through such wrong behavior.  As a child I knew my dad was effed up and I would just walk away.  Now later on in the picture, when I would go to bed and he would “tuck me into bed” (he and my mom took turns) his hand would wander down where it shouldn't.  Most nights I would jump up and pretend I forgot to brush my teeth.  Sometimes I would just turn my back and sometimes I couldn't find an excuse to escape his hand.  I think he would do it just to see if he could because if his hand made it there it didn't stay there long at all.  Because this was so tentative (is that the right word?) and because there was no actual intercourse I didn't  “feel” molested as much as I felt sorry for him.  Later, when I was a teenager, around 16 or 17 I read a magazine article that talked about this same thing; women who were touched wrongly with no intercourse, confused about whether or not they were molested.  I have been fortunate that I have been able to put all of this into perspective.  Finding out he was actually my step dad and not my bio-dad shed light on the situation.  More than anything I am thankful that I have that old soul guiding me and that it has helped me to be at peace with this.  My step dad died over 20 years ago.  My mom and brother know nothing of this and they never will.  It just isn't worth the damage it would do to them.  My mom especially since he was her knight in shining armour.

Samme, if I have only one thing to offer it is an ear, or a monitor to read your words.  If somehow someway you think you might want to correspond with me on this I am here.

Love,

Mimi

Bowing deeply to the courage shown, here.  I'm grateful to John for posing questions which challenge us to look within and step up, and for providing the sacred space in which we can peek out of our shells.  I'm grateful for the loving responses I've received, publicly, privately, even silently… I've felt them all, and know that I'm among friends, here… whether or not we've even previously spoken.

Samme, your sharing rocked me.  I love you.  Such love and respect for everyone with the cojones to post, here.  Again, thank you.

That a great and potent question!

As the darkest places are not only to be seen, spoken out and temporarily to be dealt with.

They are the humus of most beauyful and powerful creation, expression and emogyment of ones own genius AND demon.

For its not even a number of places. Its the heat, friction and liquid fire and light of Kundalini Experience. In the context og body mind AND in the transition to go beyond it.

At times I feel the most powerful and even shockingly intensive primal impulses in sexuality and eruptions of deepest emotions. As much as mental nano seconds to pierce through mere social conventions. To push through the social patina of correctness and reasonable exteriors.

The more my centre of awareness is now settling beyond the polarities and opposites of body mind and ANY contrast of dark and bright the more I discover the liberating potential of touching, living and dive deeply into the dark.

On its ground there are the not only personal, but colletive of demon. The transition to leave the reference points of most subtle feeling of separetness and separetedness of ego is the most frightening one. Where angels fear to tread..Where real horror may wait…..AS Ken Wilber put it in foreword to “Living Enlightenment”.

And as Graf Dürkheim. for a short time I met him and was deeply influenced by his abiliy to put EVERY experience in perspective, says in “The Way of Transformation”:


The Way of Transformation

The man who, being really on the Way, falls upon hard times in the world will not, as a consequence, turn to that friend who offers him refuge and comfort and encourages his old self to survive.

Rather, he will seek out someone who will faithfully and inexorably help him to risk himself, so that he may endure the suffering and pass courageously through it, thus making of it a “raft that leads to the far shore.”

Only to the extent that man exposes himself over and over again to annihilation, can that which is indestructible arise within him. In this lies the dignity of daring. Thus, the aim of (spiritual) practice is not to develop an attitude which allows a man to acquire a state of harmony and peace wherein nothing can ever trouble him. On the contrary, practice should teach him to let himself be assaulted, perturbed, moved, insulted, broken and battered - that is to say, it should enable him to dare to let go his futile hankering after harmony, surcease from pain, and a comfortable life in order that he may discover, in doing battle with the forces that oppose him, that which awaits him beyond the world of opposites.

The first necessity is that we should have the courage to face life, and to encounter all that is most perilous in the world. When this is possible, meditation itself becomes the means by which we accept and welcome the demons which arise from the unconscious, a process very different from the practice of concentration on some object as a protection against such forces.

Only if we venture repeatedly through zones of annihilation can our contact with Divine Being, which is beyond annihilation, become firm and stable. The more a man learns whole-heartedly to confront the world that threatens him with isolation, the more are the depths of the Ground of Being revealed and the possibilities of New Life and Becoming opened.”

Albert - that is an extraordinary comment - thank you.

I have meet my shadows and found them to be only puffs of smoke.
There were times when I couldn't see the forest for the trees.
I have encountered the enemy and found out he and I are the same.
This Poem talks with me so i'll let it do the speaking 'cause it's all been said before.

Namaste' ~lars

I was away this weekend, and was not privy to the internet. coming back here to this healing blog is absolutely wonderful…thank you John for facilitating it, and to all who opened their pandoras boxes to the rest of us and offered us a glimpse into their own personal demons. It is unconditional love I am sending you all…you are highly commended for being so open and sharing your stories. In fact, i am in awe of you…most especially my dear Samme. You are such a light to us dear one…I hope you know you are loved here without agenda.

My own personal demons are not mine, but my daughters. She and I have had a tough relationship and she had some real issues with also having a relative “bother her” when she was 8. I left her with this person while I was working and the guilt remains, even though it could have happened while I was in the house, I suppose.

Are we worthy? Are we loved? Can we forgive ourselves and the supposed “part” we played in the things we find difficult to bear? Samme…you were a child, you did nothing wrong. I think the guilt children take on needs to be healed. They are not responsible for what adults choose to do. Our guilt is a strange thing.

I have lived in dark places and spaces, we all have. We all may, we have the choice to stay in those spaces or seek the light. It is harder for those who hide in addictive behaviors, but do not we all have some addictions? I am addicted to book buying and carbs. Soem people choose sex, drugs, alcohol, porn, fast cars, shopping etc. Who can cast stones?

I hide mostly from takaing on too much more in my life. I tend to try to add more things thinking I can keep up with the load. It has led me to 4 jobs at one time, taking a PhD degree when I had no home, and other silly manifestations of excess. I sometimes wish I had several lifetimes to do all the things I'd like, so I try to smash everything into this one, so I get a taste of all I want to experience. While I may in fact have other lifetimes afforded me, there is no way to be perfectly certain of it, so I try this and that and the other, leading me to new jobs, new abodes, new relationships and new travels…I'm not bored, I am working to get the most out of my short lifetime…is this s dark place? Some may say so…but it can be when you do it to excess, get ill and then need to take a break big time!

John, your blogs are becoming a cathartic vehicle for spiritual growth…thanks brother, I honor your love and caring ways!
 Hugs to all, Aley

FastDart :   Yes, Yes, Yes….
Thank you.   It is so enriching the depths of how i'm touched & stirred by each & every separate post as each & everyone who's posted here has witnessed their own.   There is a part of each of us in each other…  this poem says it perfeclty.

Such healing sharing can happen when the light within one has met the light within ONE…the love of community with that special quality to bring ilght into darkness, that you have Satya Seer. A long time ago, in a group meditation where we visited the basement in our lives; a healing took place without even the need of sharing…Yet open sharing such as this, dearest Samme, would have healed the unspoken hurts within many.

I am constantly amazed at how many children have “abnormal” experiences–in other words, they are probably more normal in the statistical sense than we have realized. Sharing like this, not to condemn, but with the balance shown here, of immense pain and immense love–wow! That is so mind-blowing; that the broken walls let in light and more light.

Albert, as always, you bring the wisdom of the intellectual to bear on the topic. I found The Little Soul and the Sun by Neale Donald Walsch, written in another style, to calm the emotional hurt of such upheaval.

I am placing a link to this blog in the Light flows through Blogs on Gaia thread of The Power of Light pod. If anyone would rather the link not be made; do let me know. As this is a public blog, I though it is okay to do so; but…do let me know.

My dark place of resistance is the need for security.  I grew up as part of a poor family most of the time.  When both parents worked things were good but there were long stretches of time when my mom did not work and my step-dad enabled her.  My mom was too proud to apply for government assistance and we got to the point where here were 2 things in the pantry-1 can of enchilada sauce and 1 package of spaghetti.  I am here to tell you the to do not belong together!  This is why I do not like traditional red sauce enchiladas.  It wasn't until within the past 5 years that I could admit to people that my family was poor.  It was embarrassing.  I worked on it.  I brought light to it and eventually became comfortable talking about it.  Then the beautiful Universe threw me a wammy….my soul mate's last name is Poor.  I am now Mrs Poor.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE the irony of the powers that be.  While I have no problems talking about having been poor and now being Poor in a different way, I still have the need for security.  I have always felt that I MUST have a paycheck coming in.  Well, now I am looking at the possibility of leaving my job and taking 6 months off.  Granted, if this happens it will be because I received an inheritance that allows me to take the time (check was literally put in the mail today!).  I plan on going to massage school as one component of taking my working life in a different direction that is more in alignment with how I want to live.  The leap of faith part is that I have no idea where I will be in 6 months.  I am going to take the leap and just TRUST that when it is time to go back to work the right opportunities will flow my way.  This is huge for me.  I kind of panic a little when I think, “So, in 6 months what will I do?” My solution has been to not think about it too much, to trust that each step will take me where I am meant to go.  Of course I have to do my part but for once I need to relax a little on the job/career thing and let the Universe guide me.

JOhn, you asked,  ”Can you dare to make mistake, to be wrong, to look bad or ugly, to fuck up, to fall down, to not know?    OR will you hide from the truth of who you are, right here - right now?”

I am blessed that I have overcome this earlier in life.  I find strength in admitting “I do not know” and I find it empowering to say to someone, “Ya know, I fucked up and I am very sorry.”  On a practical note, it is also time saving!  Let's just fess up, make amends and move on!!!!!

Hello Friends,
So many loving people here sharing. I appreciate all of you. Those who shared about sexual abuse are creating an opening for more love here.  There are no boxes to put anyone in.  No psychiatrist, counselor, therapist or healer can fit anyone into a box without limitng their understanding and resisting the entire purpose of someone sharing their story of heart ache and pain. 

I have felt honored when someone has shared such deep pain with me because I know from my own experiences how difficult and confusing all of these tormenting experiences can be.   
 
I can mention that there are many ways to release oneself from the past.  No particular way works best for everyone.  Sometimes we do it one way and then when we become more conscious there are other pieces that come up with more pain. 

Relationships help flush out some of these dark parts within and give way for healing. Resistance is a clue to what is buried deep within.  Projecting outward only prolongs the suffering. It is still okay if someone is not ready to “get to the root”.  There are helpful techniues to “heal the root”.

If a healer has not provide loving acceptance and understanding, reach out to someone else when you begin to go into depression “The Abyss”.  The Abyss is real and sometimes the mind plays tricks (mind screwing) to create the beliefs that no one cares or that no is available. Sometimes one can actually reach out in a depressed state with NO assistance at hand and when checked later learn that they reached out to someone who in a more positive state of mind they would know that person would not be available.

My daughter is having a same sex marriage next month.  I am so pleased.  I love her very much.  She and her partner have and do come across all kinds.  My youngest sons are adopted and African American/Black ( they can't make up their minds who they want me to describe this).  To us, we are all just family and it is only when we run into other people who need to project their pain of feeling small in this world that we are reminded how the world has a long way to go in creating more love here.   We don't even pay attention to how different we are.  

Love is all that matters. Unconditional Love.  We are all still learning what unconditional love is. Many people say they know what it is and claim to Be that most of the time. We are doing the best we can.
 What is love to you?  I have asked this questions and it is interesting what answers come up and how most people think they really know when their lives reflect something completely different than how they see themselves.  I am no different.  I need relationships to remind me to take a look at my shadows and heal deeper to more unconditional love.
I pray for more understanding. 
You are all so kind.
Blessings

Wow…I feel incapable of adding anything to this incredible sharing and healing and loving blog.  I resonate so strongly with so much that has been shared.  Thank you all for your loving kindness and honesty in sharing from your open hearts…and thank you John for creating this atmosphere of trust (and juicyness.)

Wow, this is probably the most fascinating piece of reading I have yet come across on Gaia, and God knows (and you all know-being one and the same thing) that there is alot of Fascinating reading to be Found on Gaia. Apart from the total admiration for those of you who have dared to share Horrific Histories of Child Abuse, the first thought that comes up is this: Shadow only exists because there is light” and while it is certainly useful and healing to explore the shadow, it is healing and enlightning to seek the answers in the light.  I wish you all healing and suggest that those of you who survived trauma in Childhood, Dive deep down and love & comfort the Child that was to become you, I don't think anyone else can do this work. No Qualified Doctors, no Spiritual Guides, nor no pills nor bottles. But of course I do not know
peace & Blessings,
Mike

deep bows to you all, such awesome openness. what some of you have lived causes shudders and at the same time profound admiration for the way you have moved forward in your lives.

Thanks again, John, for giving us all the platform to have this kind of discussion.

Maybe we here on Gaia need a very special pod to do this kind of exploration - not just gender stuff but all the frontier pushing back that you are so good at.  What do you think? As good as the God Pod is in many ways, I don't see it or other Gaia groups serving quite this purpose.

seems there's more i want to add.  thank you so much, John, for creating this safe place to share this stuff.  i am amazed we don't have the typical things people say about it.  you all know, them folks want to tell us how we should be feeling or what we should do about it.  wow.  you are all of you such amazing people!!  thank you.

i have this thing, where i black out difficult memories.  tell myself, “that never happened to ME!” rather than dealing with whatever it was.  this was most helpful at the time, in that those traumas couldn't hurt me if i couldn't remember them.  i see it as a survival mechanism, i may not have been able to go on otherwise.  but came a point in my personal journey of healing, where those memories started to surface.  some of my friends here (well, at zaadz) helped me through some very very rough times as i integrated those experiences in my inward quest to find I AM.

and i still have to face that shit from time to time, you know.  it never ends.  you never wake up and say, “hey, i'm finally over it”  that just doesn't happen.  it's part of my past, and it cannot be denied.  what i have to tell myself, particularly about the early childhood traumas, is that i am only responsible for the decisions i make for myself.  what other people choose to do is their own responsibility. 

i'm not talking about blame, nor forgiveness.  neither of those things has a place in my innermost world.  i'm talking about responsibility and autonomy, same stuff i'm always talking about.  i can only control my own actions, not those of other people.  i am not responsible for the decision other people made to try to hurt me, but i am responsible for how i react to that choice they made. 

the feelings are there, they are real, and nobody, NOT NO BODY, can tell me how i should be feeling, ever.  the hurt, the anger, the pain, all of it.  nobody can tell me it's wrong to feel any certain way, about any certain thing, at any certain time.  my feelings are valid.  how i react to having those feelings is my choice to make for myself, not something anyone else can tell me what i should do.  i can choose to take those demons and hurt other people with them, way too many folks do.  but it is my decision to make, and i have chosen instead to stop the abuse here with me instead of passing it along to my kids or anyone else.

Every one thank you so much for sharing your fears and shinning more light into your shadows! I believe, and I could be wrong that many of us have the shadow of not having the proper or safe space to share about these stuck places, these shadows, that keep us from being. Being more present to our real selves and authentic in the world. We have the message that, “This is family stuff and you are not to talk about it” or express it or be it, or however it presents it self to be express. Jon/John has offered a great and wondrous tool to experience openness, safety, care and even love…What is even more wondrous that we found and use the language to express ourselves, that is open, deep, full of light and dark.
As I write this I realize “These really are not our Shadows any more because they have been exposed to the light, the basement/attic/broom closet door has been opened for good.. yes there are times we scurry back in there, it is familar. 
As I shared in my post way at the beginning and then step back was that I feel out of my element here, when I compare myself and my ideas and thoughts to many of the others. Yet here I am again… 
From my work with Conscious Evolution and with Shamans, Breath-work, Body Electric I came to experience many shadows, trying living in “community” with 13 other men, have all your shadows reflected back everyday as in a three way mirror… That I must face myself and my shadows everyday. I must co-create the dance that we do, so that we are co-creative partners, not either or, one more powerful then the other. 

I pause because I had stopped to read Nicole's post above and I do not feel that a “special pod” is what we need. What we have is a the tool “right now” and many people have come, people have been invited by each and everyone of us. A special pod causes the conversation to get lost in Pod land… which to me and maybe to many very difficult to follow. Plus this topic is hot and Juicy now and it will be returned to from time to time. Yet it will move on like any good conversation/discussion. Over and over again in each of these juicy discussions I have seen posters who want to move the post, wish for us to “be responsible” for our language, to temper our passion once it is out of the bottle. This to me is old paradigm thinking and behavior. This seems and feels like control, and in some way shame based behavior… Nicole you may not have meant or consciously thought any of those things but this is my perception of your post and some that I have read. 
The passion, the trust, the spontinaity of these blog post speak their truth. The result is human communication that I have not witnessed in a very long time….Thank all you wondrous beings.

Well Doctors can be scary but droves of them Animated & reanimated me for one and a half years in hospital and then theywere shocked to discover that I was exceptionally Animated, and told me off for singing, organising Group hugs and other shenanigans & monkey tricks that would have put Monica Hijinsky to shame- I will leave the Sordid no Juicy details to your imagination. And they were Sordid & Juicy and healing. So I have to thank Doctors, rather than being frightened of them. I am frightened of warped-thinkers in powerful positions (here I will give no details, but imagine the worse and then Darken it and add scary sound effects.
Mike

Hello Friends,

There is so much richness here.  Many experiences we ALL have are difficult to feel safe in sharing and yet if we could there is space for more acceptance of self and others.
Some are capable at times more than others and it shifts from what I have seen.  Of course I don't know everything and with choice and intention, I open to more when I am able. 

This openness started with a quesion and others lovingly released and were accepted.  The kindness expressed here for our friends is just how much we can love ourselves by loving others.  

I am sorry that some in my profession have not been present with the pain and torture their clients and patients suffer.  I have compassion for them and myself when we are unable to bare someone else's suffering or we check out.  In a profession where one is expected to be perfect and on all them, it is impossible.  I had hope to always be perfect when I was opening to clients.  There are some incidents which touch the very deep core of all of us and those are even too difficult for doctors, psychiatrist, counselors, therapist or other spiritual healers to relate to perfectly.  We are people too who have historys of pain.  Our training is designed to teach us to keep boundaries and distance ourselves from the pain in ourselves and others.  We are trained to go to another professional for assistance and we also have groups we gain consult in to help us.  I do come across a coldness in such meetings myself.  I am sorry it happens to clients and patients searching for hope.  Some mental health professionals have even committed suicide due to the pressure of holding space they were not capable of holding.  So, I have compassion for all of us.  

Keep believing that we can open more and more to acceptance and healing. 
If you fear something or someone, please keep reaching out until you come across someone who can help mirror back to you your own beauty even when you are letting up this pain and suffering for healing.

I care
Blessings

You notice Ive waited a while John (and everyone else) to post my deepest resistance.  I had to think a while at the multitude of them that I have to see which one is really the most compelling.  Sometimes its hard to tell.  But I think my deepest resistance is believing that I am enough.  Ive always felt less than, strange, different and I really dont know why.  Dont get me wrong, Ive come a long way over the past years and most days like myself pretty much of the time, but I still have this thing about just not being enough.  Enough for what you ask?  Enough to have the right to take up as much space in the world that I do. 
Part of my deal is vacilating between not enough…too much.  A wide swing from hiding to devouring…give myself nothing hothing nothing…then I want more more more….
Finding middle ground is what I try to do most of the time…and sometimes Im successful.  But dark side really erupts when i feel pushed down or cornered….a defensive move Ive perfected in many ways and try hard to work with and understand.  Learning to be conscious and not just act out of that dark frightened place is something that continues to be my greatest act of love to myself.
Thanks for lighting this fire for all of us John…I think this open space of sharing has more healing power than all the hospitals in the world.  Sometimes just being able to own it and say it out loud puts a new spin on it that wasnt there before…and allows one to fully dive into the crux of the matter. 
Bowing with honor to all

i haven't looked at the poem yet but just wanted to comment real quick that these past few days have really been amazing with all of the blogs and numerous comments. I have learned a lot and am impressed by other's honesty. I don't think I have opened up as much as i could but I don't think I am quite ready but I appreciate and am inspired by those that have.It is all because of you john that this has happened. I am so happy about your trip and wish I could go too. have fun. love, jen

I agree that another pod is not necessary.  One of the greatest things about John's post is that it has created a space for a beautifully spontaneous outpouring of thoughts and emotions.  I'm not sure the intensity displayed here could ever be maintained in a pod, and certainly not the spontaneity.  Every pod I've ever belonged to seems, after a fresh and lively start, to eventually become moribund and sparkless.  Also, it makes me happy to see so many comments from people who may never venture into pods, or at least infrequently do.  Let's keep this kind of discussion out front, in the public eye, and not close it off artificially.

I'd like to come back to this post after a while and answer the question again.  Would you?  John - would you consider reposting it in a few months?  I already know that my answer would be different today, vastly, than the comment I wrote above only a few days ago - a comment that I was in reality hiding behind, not pushing my own envelope.  I love how this question, more than any QaR, has forced me to look at myself with great honesty.  I think this has happened and is happening to the rest of you too.

I like the idea of reposting the question again and see what answers may come up from those who posted here and new ones. 
And thank you for the invitation to THE INVITATION.

I soooooo Love You All~~<3
I also am thankful that there isn't anyone saying how we should feel and all that therapist crapola. The Healing comes from us sharing and coming to grips within ourselves, learning to integrate the experience of Darkness. If we claim to be Light, well Light is only Light because of the contrast of Darkness and vice versa. Hand in hand.

All of your stories here are also MY story. Every one. Perhaps I seem like a shiny bright one but only because I have been through the depths of darkness. I am not afraid of the darkness and hidden places (I have friends living there, LOL). My Heart is an Open and Sacred Wound, my Light is cast from a Broken Heart, but that is a Blessing as it makes me HUMAN.

I must say this to my Dear Samme…you've said twice that You Provoked your father to touch you. You did no such thing. You were a child and it was innocent. Please believe that and don't feel as if you caused such a thing to happen, even if you believe you were trying to recreate the experience of the uncle thing. You Were An Innocent Child.

I say this Samme from experience, or I wouldn't say a word.
As a child, I was molested by…well…everyone I knew. From the family doctor, to his nurse, to my dad's friends, to my brother's friends….it seemed like everyone in one way or another touched me inappropriately…thank God it wasn't rape at that point.

That point came later as a teenager. Just as it was about to happen, my beloved inner voice spoke to me and said, “They Love You. They just don't know how to show you other than on this level they're on. They love you so much they lose control of themselves.” Well, what happened next is that I braced myself with this strength and the Male looked into my eyes, welled up with tears…and anger…and said, “I can't do this to you.”

And so…I'm with you Rosy…sometimes I lonnnnng for my 'home planet' where people didn't do such ugly things to each other.

But we're healing. Healing individually, healing our dna lineages, healing countless generations past and to come, and healing our Planet for Ascension into a Higher way of Being.

But we gotta get through and work through all this shit first. :-D
Gotta suck up a lotta mud and muck before we can taste pure water.

Thank You all for sharing…the parts of me, with the parts of you, and healing together.
May the Divine Loving Juice flow through us all with Healing.
Honoring Each One of you who've shared, and all those who will follow.
You Are All Loved~~~<3

Resurrected,
You speak the truth.
Amen Sister

Thank You dear Sister,
Amen and Awombyn ;-)

And forgive me Samme for telling you how you should feel :-D

Oh sweet S … AM ME and my dear Si-Star, Star-iela (Resurrected1), my eyes welled up with tears as I read your comments, for your stories are my story too!

It's 2.40 a.m. in London, and I'm about to go to sleep, but I will definitely be back to share my gratitude for all the angels who have posted such touching, life-altering comments here!

Until then, I'm woman-ifesting the most heartwarming hugs in her-story for all the
ONE-derful souls who have graced this divine blog with their presence!!!

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All my love,

RozzZZZzzzy :-)